RETRO TV TRADING CARD: HARD TIMES

CARD Number 9 of 69: Hard Times

STATS:

Badassery: 5/5
Feminine Wiles: 1/5
Seduction: 3/5
Beguile: 1/5
Computational: 2/5

Measurements: 11″

Allegiance: America & Freedom
Alignment: Freedom Fighter
Weaponry: American Ideology
Fav. Drink: Moonshine & Sarsaparilla
Weakness: Women with cold hearts & warm feet

Hard Times: FBI Agent, Freedom Fighter, Karate Aficionado, and All Around American, is coming into town, kicking down doors and trampling on Soviet socialist ideas all the while championing the Capitalistic Glory that is God Blessed America. Competing against the Power Pussies, Hard Times infiltrates the Monstrous Richard Head’s harem of lies. Yet despite all his bravado, Hard Times is a humble guy, modestly reporting his measurements as 11” cause boasting 12” would “just be cocky.”